Glimmerings of Parenthood

By Kamla Bhasin

March, 1979

When the doctor told me that the result of the pregnancy test was positive, I did not know whether to be sad or rejoice at the news. After all, my partner and I had not made a decision to become pregnant. We were 39 (he) and 32 (me). Not very young anymore. In fact, getting to be a little old to have our first child. We had known each other for over six years but had never even talked about having a child. Neither of us had strong parental instincts. Sometimes when I saw parents with children, I did feel it would be nice to have a child but the feeling was never strong enough. Our work kept us busy and fulfilled. Our relationship with each other was also very satisfying in every way. We shared and did many things together. There was very little missing. There was no gaping vacuum in our life which had to be filled by a child.

Just Let It Happen

One of my friends used to tell me that it was high time we had a child. It would be too late otherwise. We would regret not having a child or having one late in life. My answer used to be, “Let me live my present well. I do not want to do things now which will make my old age happy.” She also told me, “Kamla, a person like you will never have the time to think of having a baby. There will always be a meeting here, a training course there to keep you busy. You should just let it happen without thinking too much about it and I can tell you, you will not only enjoy the experience but will even make a good mother.”

To Have or Not to Have a Child

The year ahead had already been well mapped out and planned. I had to travel for 5 to 6 months in four south Asian countries as well as in Europe. How would I do it if I was pregnant? How would I manage to do my work with a child to look after? How would we react to a child? There were so many other unknown factors which we of course couldn’t anticipate. We spent many days thinking about it all and were quite disturbed. It was not easy to have a child, it was not easy to abort one either. Our decisions changed so often. Another month passed in this way. We could not postpone a final decision for too long. After much discussion we finally decided not to have the baby. Why should we have an ‘accidental’ child? If we wanted one, we would make a positive decision and have one. We should not allow an accident to change our lifestyles and our work. My husband said that the final decision had to be mine as I would be bearing the child. If I wanted it, he would be happy to have one, otherwise he was not keen about it.

During this time, I asked other women why they had children. I found most of them had them “just like that.” It was the natural thing to do after marriage just as marriage was the natural thing to do at a certain age. Some of them had children “to kill time, to avoid boredom.” Only some said they wanted children. Anyway, asking others did not help. It could not help because there were too many differences in theirs’ and my thinking.

Curiosity Prevails

Just half an hour before the appointed time for abortion, I changed my mind. I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and to have the baby! My partner, who had got ready to go with me, changed his clothes and relaxed. I felt relieved having changed my mind. The main reason for changing my mind was perhaps my curiosity, about what my body could do. Curiosity about our emotional response to a child. Curiosity about this important dimension of life. The fact that I had not felt sick at all during the three months of pregnancy also helped me to decide to have a child.

Now suddenly we were going to have a child. We smiled at each other. Held our hands to give each other strength. So now there was something more to share, to bring up a child together. We had conceived and written so many articles, planned and implemented so many activities together. Now we were going to create something in flesh and blood, whose rearing and education would be a personal challenge which we could not avoid.

Reactions from Family and Friends

It was now that we wrote to our families and friends that we were pregnant. My family, which had treated me and for whom I had been more ‘like a son’, were quite surprised. My father and my younger brother even appeared to be a little disappointed. They wrote that so far they had never thought of me as a woman. Now my womanhood couldn’t be denied. My younger brother, with whom I had played all the games boys play since our childhood, with whom I jumped on and off scooters and motorcycles, with whom I exchanged clothes, was afraid he would have to change his relationship with me. He would now have to deal with me more gently as a woman. None of them could imagine what I would look like as a pregnant woman. Since both my husband and I were in Europe for our respective jobs during the last month of pregnancy we decided to go to England, where my brother and family live, to have the baby there. When I arrived at London airport, just three weeks before the due date, tired needing help to carry my luggage, it was quite annoying to find that instead of helping me my eldest brother and younger sister were in fits of laughter. They thought I looked ‘funny’. My niece (11) and nephews (9 and 3) were also disappointed because I could not play cricket with them, could not wrestle with them. I don’t know how many times each of them asked me every day with a complaining voice, “Bhua (aunty), when will the baby come? When can we play with you again?” Since the baby was now due anytime, the only thing I could do was to take them for long walks. It was something but by far not enough.

The response from friends was varied. Most of them congratulated us but there were some who were disappointed. “Here goes another couple the usual, hackneyed way,” one of them wrote. “After breaking so many cocoons you are now going to create another cocoon for yourself,” wrote another. She felt having a child would limit our interests, relationships and work. Another one thought and said the opposite. She thought giving birth to a child would perhaps be our most creative act.

Fears and Hopes

Our own response also varied as a pendulum from one extreme to the other. At times we thought a child would tie us down, s/he would take away the spontaneity and the ability to travel, the carefree lifestyle and eat away our time or work. At other moments we felt, by having a child we might settle down at one place and do something more concrete. It would make us understand those who have children better. It would give us an opportunity to experiment bringing up a child together, to experiment in creating new roles for mother and father equally involved in bringing up a child. If we were successful, we could then question those who say women are better equipped to bring up children.

 These thoughts were however seldom verbalised. We did not talk about the coming child much. It was mostly in silence that we prepared ourselves to be parents. My husband, who was even less enthusiastic than me in the beginning, started buying books about childbirth and childcare. Whenever we were together, he went with me for the prenatal check-ups. He saw to it that I had milk, orange juice, some almonds, and the prenatal capsules regularly. He did not mind sharing the juice and the almonds. I had no craving for any special foods, nor did I go off any foods.

Pregnancy Not a Hindrance to Travel

In my third and fourth months of pregnancy, I travelled for two months in Bangladesh, India, Nepal and Sri Lanka in connection with a training course I was coordinating for village level workers. We were in villages most of the time and never at one place for more than a week. We travelled on rough rural roads by jeep, cycle and on foot. Once we had a four-hour journey in a truck. I took it all very well; in fact, no one in the group could tell I was pregnant. In the sixth, eighth and ninth months, I travelled again without any problem at all. During all the nine months I was not sick even for a day. I did not take any extra leave and worked till three weeks before the baby was born.

Reverence for a Creative Body

The changes in my body were so gradual that I had time to get used to them. The stomach grew only after the fourth month, and it was not the burden I feared it might be. It was firm and a part of me. I carried it without any effort till the very end. I continued to be amazed at the fact that another being was growing inside me. At times I looked at my body with reverence, because of the act of creation I was involved in. I oiled it and did my exercises regularly. During the last three months I started doing breathing exercises (not very regularly) to prepare myself for an easier childbirth. We were very sad that my husband could not help me with these exercises because of our different travel schedules.

The attitude of people around me also changed considerably. I felt they were now friendlier. Even those who didn’t normally talk to me, now asked me about my wellbeing. People I did not know too well, were keen to be helpful in one way or another. In cars I was always offered the most comfortable seat. I am not quite sure whether this special treatment given to pregnant women is because they are considered to be weak during pregnancy or is a sign of appreciation for the task they are performing, a way of respecting their power and ability to recreate life. It is perhaps a mixture of all these.

Not Afraid of Childbirth

Reading a book on how to have a painless childbirth helped me tremendously. Firstly, it explained all the changes which were taking place inside my body. Knowing about this book took away the mystery and fear about childbirth. Then it elaborated a series of physical and breathing exercises to keep fit as preparations to deal with the contractions.

Because of an easy pregnancy and because of these preparations I was not afraid, but only hoped I would have a natural childbirth. In fact, I was rather curious and wondered what the contractions would be like. I waited for them to come. A few days before the due date, funnily enough it was my younger sister who lost her capacity to sleep well as she was worried about me. She kept asking me, “Didi, aren’t you afraid”? I kept saying, “No. Not afraid, only curious.”

I had started feeling the movements of the embryo from the fourth month onwards. They became strong as the days passed by. It used to feel funny to be kicked from the inside. My brother’s children would say, “Bhua, let us feel the baby. Is it kicking? You should kick it back, Bhua.”

It was very gradually that I started thinking of the child, imagining ourselves with him/her. I was glad it took nine months to produce a baby. If it was a shorter period, it would have been more difficult to get used to the idea. Still, I was not quite sure how I would react to the baby, how I would handle her/him.

No Preference for the Child’s Sex

Both of us were quite indifferent to the sex of the child. All we wanted was a normal and healthy baby. Many people, while wishing me luck, said they hoped it would be a boy. After our daughter was born, they seemed to murmur something to the effect, “Never mind, next time you will have better luck.” That most women wish you a boy is perhaps a reflection on their status in society. They know and feel men are ‘superior’ and boys are worth more. Now that we have a daughter, I am glad it was a girl. If I am to have only one child, I want the child to be a girl. I wonder if I would feel the same way for a boy. Perhaps I would, but I know that relating to my daughter has been easy and natural for me.

Daughter Arrives

Our daughter was born after 22 hours of labour during most of which my partner was by my side. The breathing exercises which I had been doing made it possible for me to be in control of myself and to deal with the contractions better. Delivering the child was indeed hard work.

I was given a cup of tea at the delivery table itself, which I thoroughly enjoyed. The three people who had helped me so far now left me. Our daughter was also taken away to the nursery. Two other nurses cleaned, chatted and later wheeled me to my room.

The nine month long wait, and the 22 hours of labour were suddenly over. I felt relieved and thankful to God or Nature for the relative ease with which everything had happened so far. I was tired and in a kind of comfortable daze and did not mind their taking our child to the nursery. I knew if she had been left in my room, I would have kept looking at her and not been able to relax.

Five hours after the birth I was asked to go and have a bath or shower. The choice was not ‘more’ than that. Either bath or shower but not none of these! I knew my mother and other elderly women at home would have been shocked even at the suggestion of a bath so soon after the delivery. I went for a shower unaided by anyone, felt a little weak but managed it very well. After the shower I felt still better and fresher and decided to write a letter or two.

Establishing a Relationship with the Baby

A little later our daughter was wheeled into my room. Clenched fists, eyes closed, black hair. Over eight pounds heavy and pink. So far nature had taken care of her growth. Neither my daughter nor I had to make any effort. Now we had to. She had to learn how to drink milk; I had to learn how to give it. It was not easy for both of us although both were willing as well as needed to establish this give and take relationship. She needed the milk to satisfy her hunger; I needed to give it to relieve the breasts of the milk which was being produced.

For me it was a new feeling and a new experience to have my breasts full of milk. Sometimes a cry by her before the feeding time or just a thought of feeding her would make the milk flow. It felt as if there were strong waves of milk trying to flow out and I had to control them. If she did not drink milk at the fixed time the breasts would become hard like stones. I had to manually take out some milk to relieve myself of the discomfort. I soon realised that I was as dependent on my daughter as she was on me.

It was beautiful to have been within the arms of one’s larger family at this time. It relieved me not only of work but also of many anxieties. The presence of my parents, brother and sister-in-law, my sister and niece and nephews was reassuring. They provided the strength and the right kind of atmosphere for the occasion. She was born not just to the two of us, but to both the families. She belonged to them as to us. The thought and the fact that she had so many people to help her grow and to help us take care of her was reassuring.

Father is also the Mother

Our daughter is already about six months old. So far, she has been a very healthy and happy child. She hardly cries. She is ready to smile at anyone who smiles at her. I have gone back to work. My partner who does freelance work and works from home takes care of her when I am away. He has learnt to look after her as well as I have. He enjoys her as much as I do. While at work I am not worried about her because I know she is in good hands. I have even been away for 2-3 days at a time at work. It was no problem because my partner was there to look after her. In a way our daughter has two mothers and two fathers. She has two persons to whom she relates equally well. This “joint venture” of bringing up a child is indeed much more fun than when it is only the mother who is concerned and responsible for bringing up children.

I find that all those fears we had about changes in lifestyles and our work have not been true, at least not so far. We have managed to live the same kind of life as we did before almost if not completely. We go out to friends as often as before. We play as usual, read and write as usual; perhaps not as much as before, but quite a lot. We enjoy the time we spend with our daughter. She is a new dimension in our lives. We know she will give us both pleasure and anxieties. We have to learn to accept both. Each stage of her growth will demand different skills and handling from us. Our roles will not be static. We will have to change with her.

Looking after a child is full time work. It is unending work. If the partner does not help it can be very tiring work. If a couple is happy together and shares the responsibility of the child one does not seem to mind the work. At least we have not minded it, not so far. We do hope we continue to grow ourselves to help our child grow as well as she can in this troubled world of ours.

So far it has been very beautiful, interesting and fulfilling to hold her and feel her body next to ours. When we are with her, our expressions change to become gentle and loving. When she smiles there is a glow on our faces, a glow which comes when you love someone, the glow of affection and romance. 

This piece of writing was published by Eve’s Weekly in 1987 in its July 25-31 edition. Kamla ji sent this article to me by email to be published in this issue when I approached her for the same.

Bio:
Kamla Bhasin (24 April 1946 – 25 September 2021) was an Indian feminist activist, poet, author and social scientist, whose work, which began in 1970, focused on gender education, human development and the media. She is best known for her work with Sangat – A Feminist Network.

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